Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
