So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
i now understand why vodka
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
