I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
