Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
