a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
