I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
