Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
