worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
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We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
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FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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