I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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