A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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