I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
