There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
my poor anus
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
