i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
