I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
