i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
