Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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