my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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