I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
