what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
