My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
