i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize