News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I need a burrito and a hug.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
