gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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