The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
