Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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