Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
