highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
