Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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