your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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