oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
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There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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