Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
