Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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