I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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