you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Sorry my hands just texted you
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Randomize
