Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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