it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
