yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
