Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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