You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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