Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
