Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
