she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
i think my cat just said my name.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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