Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
