im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
