My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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