ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
