9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
high people should be assigned attendants
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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