So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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