Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
