There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
