my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
