dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
