so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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