remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
All I want is dick and wine.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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