I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
